If that hand could talk... oh, the stories it would tell!
Adult Toad Costume
$34.99
From the Website: “Serve your princess in this quirky Adult Toad Costume! Includes the funny plush white and red spotted toadstool headpiece and the blue and gold vest. Just add a shirt and white trousers for an instant costume! Includes: Vest, Headpiece “
I know you are probably desperate by now but let’s face it; Toad was never cool. Even though he has recently seen a resurgence in popularity, Toad has always been a bit player in the Mario series. In the original Super Mario Brothers game, while Mario and Luigi were busy saving princesses and killing Goombas, Toad was busy hanging out in the backrooms of castles doing who knows what… all day… in the dark… alone. Coincidently, this is exactly what you will be doing on Halloween if you buy this costume.
Toad is also the ultimate kill joy. Imagine this, you are Mario, you just risked life and limb fighting a fire-breathing dragon/turtle/WTF(?) thing to save a beautiful (did I mention single?) princess. A princess who will probably be so grateful to her gallant hero that she will throw herself at him as soon as he comes through the door no matter how fat, greasy, sweaty or stereotypically Italian he maybe. Yeah, that kind of grateful…you know what I mean. So, you straighten out your slightly singed mustache, adjust your hat and run to the back room. But, instead of a princess with a fetish for guys with 70’s porn mustaches, you find a stubby little man wearing a ridiculous looking mushroom hat. He's standing alone, in the dark and with a guilty look on his face. When you inquire about the “reward” you are kindly shown the door and told “Thank you Mario! But our princess is in another castle!” What? No parade? I just killed a fire-breathing, spine covered turtle/alligator abortion and all you have to say is: “Thanks! Now go away. I need to touch myself…. alone…. in the dark.”? This coincidently, is exactly what you will be doing on Halloween night if you buy this costume.
Cool Jonah Hex costume dude!
Adult Jericho Cross Costume
$51.97
From the website: “Costume includes: Western duster, cowl hood, vest, hat, eye patch, badge, belt, and boot tops. A wicked cowboy.”
Way back in 2005, a developer called High Moon Studios created a game called Darkwatch. Darkwatch was a first person horror/shooter game that featured all the classic horror movie monsters (zombies, vampires, skeletons, banshees….etc.). Darkwatch got many positive reviews when it came out and is still remember fondly by some gamers to this day. It stared Jericho Cross, a bad ass cowboy who gets bitten by a vampire and becomes even more bad ass. He kills with an assortment of weapons and, of course, his magical vampire powers. The game was a popular enough title that the developer thought they could make a sequel. So, a year later (in 2006) the studio began working on a Darkwatch 2. However, after shopping the game around to every major publisher, the studio never found a buyer and the project was cancelled. The reason why I am telling you all of this is because I am pretty sure none of you actually remember any of this. This might have something to do with the fact that the game was released more than 5 years ago! In the video game industry that is a long time. Not quite Duke Nukem Forever long ago… but long enough for people to ask you “who are you supposed to be?” Get used to that phrase, because you are going to hear that a lot if you buy this costume.
If you are still planning on buying this costume I recommend printing out this article. It will come in handy when people keep asking you where you got “that neat Jonah Hex costume” and you keep telling them you are not Jonah Hex. They might not believe you, so having this article handy should help you make your case. In fact, you might want to get a name tag. You could write “Jericho Cross” on it so that way people won’t automatically assume you are Jonah Hex. I would still bring the article with you though. People might make the mistake of asking who Jericho Cross is and when you proceed to tell them “You know, the guy from Darkwatch!” and they look at you with a blank stare because they have never heard of that game, you can hand them the article. Or, when people compliment you on your sweet Jonah Hex costume you could just say “thanks” and avoid the whole issue. Just saying.
Pictured: Someone not trying very hard
Kratos Mask
$38.39
From the website: “ Straight from the video game God of War comes Kratos, the Spartan Warrior. White, full over the head latex mask with black around the eyes, scar from forehead to right cheek, and red lightning bolt shaped marking on the left side of the face and head.”
So, you waited too long to get a costume and you figure “Hey, I will just buy a mask and no one will realize I waited till the last second again this year”. Wrong! First off, like the previous entry in our list, you are going to have a lot of non-gamers who don’t know who you are supposed to be. Everyone will see the mask that you paired with a random shirt, pants and shoes from your closet as the pathetic non-effort that it was. Most people will probably think that it is a cheap zombie mask that you picked up from the discount Halloween section at Wal-Mart. When they talk about you behind your back they will say: “Hey, did you see the guy who brought the zombie mask and whatever clothes he had clean? Man, I bet that costume took months to plan. ROFL!”. Those who do not automatically guess zombie will immediately ask you “Who are you supposed to be?”. You can’t tell them “Kratos, Greek god of war!”. If you do, they will probably ask you if all Greek gods wore Nike shoes and khaki pants because, let’s be real, you aren’t going to sport a toga or anything remotely Greek with that last minute mask purchase.
Those of your friends who are gamers will immediately begin to make fun of your half-ass attempt at a costume. Those nerds you hang out with are hard to please after all and they will except nothing less than a loin cloth, ashen skin and two blade like plastic weapons “chained” to your wrists. You and I both know that at this late in October, you won’t have anything like that. Not to mention the fact that no one short of a full time body builder has the chest and abs to pull off a shirtless Kratos and nothing is lamer than an emaciated looking god of war. Buy this costume and from that day forward you will be know by your friends as “Kratos! god of sunken chests. Forever, may he be mocked!”
Author’s note: I have to point out that there is an equally pathetic Gears of War Marcus Phoenix mask available. To me, it looks like Fred Durst receiving a surprise enema. Picture below:
