Things have been off around the Caffarelli home lately. I hadn’t quite been able to put my finger on it. We’re great friends, best friends just about. I can hardly remember my SL before he came along. Still, something has been different and it’s been driving me nuts because I knew it wasn’t just the excuses he was giving me.
The other day, we were bickering and it just seemed we were both bumping heads. He’d been withdrawn and angry, lashing out randomly over nothing. I was wracking my brain trying to think of what I might have said or done to set him off. Maybe I was hormonal or maybe he was just not in the best mood is all I could come up with and we were discussing a friend. I suspect her partner might be cheating and he asked if I thought I should tell her. I said no, because I have no proof and it’s never a good thing to be the one to tell your friend her man has a chickie on the side. He came back with that I thought it best that she be oblivious then. Something was said about if my friend’s man had an alt and was with other chicks that I thought it was better for my friend to live oblivious to this. I disagreed but agreed at the same time, sometimes things aren’t what they seem and maybe my friend knows and is ok with it or maybe I’m reading the whole thing wrong and he isn’t as much of an ass as he comes across as. I told him that I would want to know if my man were cheating.
The subject was dropped as we moved on to arguing over something silly I’m sure. We’ve been in a bit of a dry spell. It’s been so far blamed on that I’m too independent, I don’t need him the way he wants, that I don’t leave him much to do in the way of protecting or sticking up for me. He’s right on that point in a way. I don’t wait for a man to fight my battles, if someone needs a smack down I hand it to them beautifully. I’ve gotten a bit of a reputation for having a very sharp tongue if you cross me. I’ve managed to intimidate some of the more infamous trolls that travel in some of the same circles we do. I won’t even apologize for being who I am, I stick up for myself. I am a brat, what can I say.
It’s been blamed on that I’m not open enough for him, not soft enough but at the same time he doesn’t want a girl that is needy and clingy. Can you see how high I am rolling my eyes? I’d just about decided that it was going to come down to that he didn’t know what he wanted. I have been preparing myself for the idea that I thought he was going to say this wasn’t working for him. I’m not the type to beg and plead for someone to stay, especially if they’re unhappy. It also happens that as friends, we’re extremely close and I just want him to be happy. I’ve offered to remove myself once before if that would make him happier. He’s always just about threatened to turn me over his knee and swore that isn’t what he wants. So… we’ve continued down this road.
Yesterday, however, was a new twist in this plot. He told me he had a confession and to please not hate him. He’d been struggling with it for several days and could no longer keep it from me. His ex, the one I cannot stand, approached him about creating an alt just for her. She is one of those completely needy, selfish, demanding types. Very high maintenance and I cannot stand her on principle. That type of woman just makes me want to slap some self respect and sense into them.
He was very remorseful at even considering it. I understand his thing is being the big protector, being their rock but I’ve spent the last 2 months holding his hand while he got on about the business of getting over what they’d done to him, waiting for the guy that I fell for to resurface. Here I was hearing that she wanted that too and might actually get it, just under another avi. For a lot of people, this is not an issue. For me though, I don’t share. I am an all or nothing sort of person. She wanted him more or less and was trying to justify it being ok because it wouldn’t be the avi that was with me. She even went one further and told him not to tell me.
Now here is where I really get irate. He started telling me this and over the last 2 days the story has come more into focus, more information has come to light. Like he didn’t just consider making the alt, he made the alt. He went and cuddled her, put her to bed, was in her IMs with her while I was with him tearing my hair out trying to figure out what was going on. I had to stop and check to see if I had idiot on my forehead. All this time I thought, maybe the chick had finally gotten the picture and I find out that not only hasn’t she but apparently he’s entertaining daydreams about the “good times”.
Seriously, dude? Really? The good times? I remember dealing with weeks of emo and angst while he dealt with his demons only to turn around and invite them back. Why? Apparently, I’m too perfect, not enough fire and drama. Nice. So he wants drama? It’s amusing as he wants me softer, sweeter, and needier but he also seems to want that whole trouble and drama. The poor boy needs a boot upside his head. I happen to love wearing boots.
At first I was just pissed at her and hurt at him. We’re supposed to be this amazing pair of friends and I’ve offered to step aside so he could be happy elsewhere if he could. We could even retain our friendship that way. To find out he went behind my back after I offered to step aside? Betrayal much? I was livid. It got worse with each retelling, as I asked more questions, tried to fill in spots that didn’t make sense, built the time line.Now that I think I have a much better picture of how it went down I’m just numb.
He has removed her from his friends. He’s apologized and swore he was an idiot. I agree. He’s certain that it would have been a mistake and it was just a daydream about better times with them. Good for him. Glad to know that ours aren’t better or even equal. Did I mention I have a bit of a temper? I’m irritated. I offered to step aside and he told me no, but he goes and does this? What’s that line about having your cake and eating it too?
We’re working on us. I’m cautious. I’m not sure I won’t end up finding that idiot tattoo on my forehead but he is my friend. He fucked up royally and it may be too far broken to fix. My trust is not there like it was. I see many hurdles in our future if we’re to move past this. I know that I have things to work on to and I am. Hopefully the next entry won’t be the eulogy of our partnership. I hope not at least.