I’ve been a huge fan of the Splinter Cell franchise since the first time I popped the disk into my original Xbox.I was so in love with Sam that I quit my job as writer for another game site because the editor wouldn’t allow me to give it a 10 out of 10 rating. It remains the only game I’ve ever plopped down extra cash to get a collectors’ edition for.So I was so very excited to play the demo and get well re-acquainted with the sexy, raspy voice of my beloved Sam Fisher.I’d refrained from looking at any trailers and tried to keep the drooling over any screenshots to a bare minimum.Though the demo left me pissed to the highest of pissed-ivity, I decided to give it one more shot and picked up the full version of the game.My women’s intuition has never led me astray before…until now.

When playing the demo, I was highly irritated by the fact that the game felt it necessary to tell me where to hide, via arrows.This was the first of many irritations to follow.I was dismayed to find that this trend continued onward into the full version..But I digress, let me continue this rant, I’ll double back for this one.For me, the biggest draw in playing Splinter Cell was that it forced you to think.Running in and taking on the bad guys directly would result in your quick and very painful death.When you achieved a clean and alert-less kill, you felt like you’d accomplished something.In multiplayer mode you could pit your wits against your friends and earn bragging rights as to who was the better spy.Yes, Splinter Cell use to be a thinking woman’s game.Now it’s dumbed down so much so that I barely recognize the game.Since when, would someone leave a trail of bodies to be found when being stealthy?!Gone are the days when you could drag the body to a dark place, or hide your victim in a nearby closet, so that his absence was not immediately noticed.Now the bodies lay out in full view, making it infinitely harder to be silent killing machine you use to be.

Equally irritating was the newly instituted, mark and kill tactic.Once upon a time when a girl managed to fire off two headshots and take down two foes, she immediately heard, from any witnesses ‘Man...you’re a bad bitch!’Now, I click a button and the game does it for me?!Oh wait it doesn’t do it for me unless I do something for IT first (that’s just like a man). I have to take down a few foes by hand FIRST. God help me if I don’t grab him before he sees me. He will then somehow manage to wrest himself from my grasp and shoot me point blank in the chest.No fight for the gun, no dive to the floor, or evasive leg sweep, just BLAM you’re dead. And even if I should manage to somehow get away, everyone now knows my location. Disappearing into the dark doesn’t work anymore. Perhaps they see the little arrows too, telling them where the spy is hiding.

Yes, Splinter Cell has SOME good things about it, such as upgradeable weapons, but that’s overshadowed since you can only upgrade them about two times.I want a frag grenade that can obliterate an entire building, dammit, if you’re going to allow me to upgrade it!And if you’re going to have my sticky cam make noise can it have multiple noises to make, not just songs that have managed to escape from Bioshock.Do I need to talk about the use of Unreal Engine 2? Aren’t we on 3 now?!At least Sam still looks and sounds hot, though Michael Ironside even sounds like he’s disappointed to be in this watered down Splinter Cell. I can’t say as I blame him, who would could sound excited when their character has basically been castrated?!The only tough thing about Sam now is his interrogation technique. What happened to the raspy growl, the neck snapping, just after he whispered in your ear, then he’d caress…wait a sec, wrong article. The writing is at least good enough to make it sort of interesting, but honestly I could have read it on Wikipedia and been just as happy.Perhaps Ubisoft needs their necks snapped to remind them of the essence of Sam Fisher, or should we give them arrows to point the way?

Listen to the girls dish about Splinter Cell!